Sunshine through the rain

When a person is somebody too sensitive, it always marks towards trouble. Uff... there are times when I get sick of myself. I remember, over a year back; my friend's father died. And, I was so sorry, wanted to help him, be there for him. But when I finally saw him face to face, I couldn't get even a word out of me. I was too numbed. And, he came over and talked to me . That day I hated myself. I felt so awful over my incapability of wanting to comfort some other.

I have been trying ever since to behave appropriately at the right times, as I should! It makes you feel good that you are perhaps helping out somebody. The value of a hug or hand squeeze is sometimes simply priceless. But I didn't know then that I would have to come face to face with death; and deal with hard core with the emotions.

Zibil died on February 16th. And, I cried over somebody first time in my life. It was a loss that was tremendous. He did not deserve to die, no matter what. Oh God, You know what You are doing, and I find comfort in that.

In April , my Grandmother passed away. If there is anybody whose death I never wanted , it is hers. I always used to pray to God, that she don't die very soon. She was 90. The same age Pope John Paul II would be , if He was alive. When He was 80 years old, he had come to India . My grandma ( we call her Mammachi) was very proud of being the same age as Him. I remember, around that time, we were all sitting in the living room at our house. Iyya was also there. Iyya (her son, my uncle) and Mammachi had a fight (she is splendid to argue with) , and finally she got so angry and exasperated ; and she told Iyya that she hoped that some lorry crashes into him on his way back. Oh, how we all laughed that day! And that day, she had declared that she will die only when she was reached 100. I was only a kid that time. And the fact is that, after her death, I realized that I had believed what she had said that day. Wheh she died, I was like, 'heyy, she's not yet 100!".

Hmm....

I witnessed her death.It is really true that death comes like a shadow. One minute she was alive, and the next, it was all over. I can still remember the moments before her death. Among her children, only my papa was present. From her daughter-in-laws, Beenaunty and my mother were present. And from among the grandchildren, Unnichettan, Ronnie, Ritty and me were present. Papa gave Mammachi the last drop of water she ever drank. When I had reached, the aunties from the neighborhood were already chanting prayers. When I went inside the room, I saw Ritty standing there crying, and Beenaunty beside the bed, plaeding Mammachi not to go. I , never believed, even that time that she will die. When Amma came I asked her "She won't die right", but even Amma said that she was dying. I stood there kind of numb , not being able to digest all that was happening. Mammachi took some ragged breaths, I was staring at her, staring at her with an intensity aroused from the knowledge that I will never ever again see her alive; something like recording a last memory of hers. And , even though the condition that she was in was very sad, all I could think as I gazed at her face was how cute she looked.

Oh God, I hope she is happy and with you in heaven. Even if my immediate emotion was sadness, it later turned to contentment. She didn't' deserve to suffer more . And, when I think about her, I have only fond memories. I loved her and still love her so much. Thank you God for having had given me such an incredible grandmother. She was my best friend, in my childhood; my playmate whenever need be, she have rocked me to sleep even if I was too big for that..her 'tharattu' is simply a unique one; and later she was my student, helped me in studying malayalam in 10th, and later on, I made her say English. It had such hilarious outcomes. She was a great singer, her songs will forever be remembered, oh how can we forget !And most importantly, I loved the kisses she used to lavish upon everone. I call it the "manathittu umma" ..means she kinds of inhales when she kisses. I always used to especially ask her for that kisses.
Miss you Mammachi....